Week 3

Still Trying

I'm still working on getting two consecutive days of not yelling in a row under my belt.  While I was discouraged about a week ago, I'm actually feeling a bit encouraged.  I know I can at least make it a full day and a half without yelling.  Compared to what was going on a few weeks ago, that's progress.  And, honestly, my day 2 flops are less about getting frustrated with my son and more about me being stressed about something or other - dinner being unplanned, forgetting to have done something or to have gotten something while I was out earlier, etc.  I also know that there are hormonal influences that can make it more difficult to not yell, but, as both Orange Rhino and my husband have pointed out before, if I can still be friendly on the phone to someone or even civil to a passing stranger, then I have no reason to treat those closest to me poorly and blame it on PMS.

Noticing Changes

Even though I am still working on a full 48 hours of not yelling, I'm not giving up on managing 365 days of not yelling.  Here's why: I've noticed that as I work on not yelling, my son has toned down his screeching.  I mentioned this to my husband and he commented that in his observation, the screeching was in response to my yelling.  For example, G wouldn't eat, I'd immediately run to the worst case scenario and get worked up about him not eating, which would make my tone become sharper, and G would get riled up and screech out of anger and frustration.  Now, when G screeches, I am working on staying calm, trying to let him know I understand his emotions, and then walk away and leave him alone for a little bit.  The other day, at a playdate, G was super tired and hungry, but he was too involved in playing for him to want to leave.  Suddenly, in the middle of the wading pool we were playing at, he started to screech because another little boy had taken the car he'd been playing with earlier (and for the record, G hadn't been playing with it for awhile).  I simply called his name, at which he screeched again.  On the third screech, I went to get him, held him close and said, "I know you're angry that he took your car.  How about we let him play with it a little bit, while we get ready to go home?  Are you done playing?"  He suddenly calmed down and said, "Yeah."  I got him in the stroller, we got the toys back, and he was fine on the way home.  I was surprised at how calmly I reacted and how quickly he relaxed after I told him that I understood his frustration and offered a suggestion to cope.  I hope I can do more of that!

I've noticed, too, that as I work on not yelling, I'm needing to work on evaluating a situation before I react to it.  Not yelling is one thing, but I've started to count a day over if I over-react and snap at either G or my husband, too.  Yes, this adds to the difficulty in making it 48 hours without yelling or overreacting, but I'm feeling it's just as important to notice when I'm being snappy and saying rude or unkind things as it is to notice how much I'm yelling at my family.  This is mainly geared towards my husband.  He deserves better from me than me saying something to him that sounds condescending, rude, snappish, etc.

So, today is another one of my Day 1's.  I barely squeezed through it (I didn't yell, but I made a comment to my husband that was verging on inappropriately rude).  But, honestly, I still feel like I'm making progress.  Here's to another Day 2!

Day 1 -- did I actually make it?

The real question is:  can I do this again tomorrow?

I made it ONE FULL DAY!!!!  I know I did this before, but after over a week of restarting because I was losing it every day, it feels good to have made it one full day without full-blown yelling.

A few observations:

1.  I got to bed before midnight.  G was in bed at 10pm - far too late for him, but we also were dealing with the eating thing.  He finally had a full 12 oz of chocolate milk and a couple of graham crackers before bed, which let him sleep, though he also got a full sudden burst of energy thanks to the food in his system.  We suddenly had a happy, energetic little toddler again!  Unfortunately, it was 9:30pm when he got food and energy back.  He woke at 8:30am this morning, far under the usual 12 hours he sleeps per night, and was tired by 9:30am, but he didn't nap and we got him to bed at 8:30pm tonight, after eating a third of a quesadilla with cheese and roast beef, having more milk and graham crackers.  He still didn't eat terrifically well (more on that in a moment), and I was up at 5:30am and had a hard time getting back to sleep, but knowing I'd slept at least 6 hours instead of 3 or 4 made a huge difference.

2.  I started my day letting G just play upstairs while I was working on breakfast in the kitchen.  Normally, I would have been trying to immediately get G to eat, or keep him down with me and let my husband sleep in a bit longer, but we were all needing to get up and get ready for church, so I figured letting G play up there and get snuggles in with dad were just fine while I worked in the kitchen for a bit.  It made for a less stressful morning.

3.  G ate most of a pancake this morning and had some apple juice with it.  Even though there were a few shouts during breakfast, I was able to calmly help him calmly ask for whatever it was he was wanting, and I was able to make it more positive than snapping back at him.

4.  I was chatting with a friend about G's sudden not eating, and she commented that her little girl will sometimes go a few days not eating much at all, then suddenly eat everything in sight, and then repeat the cycle.  She said she decided not to fight it, trusting her daughter to eat when she was hungry enough.  Another friend mentioned the same thing as I was talking about G's not eating.  The second friend has a few children, so she has a lot more experience, and she said she just let her children eat when they would eat, because they also would go through phases where they just didn't want to eat much at all.  I told the first friend I had been choosing to fight it, which ultimately had been resulting in unhappiness, especially with me jumping to conclusions about things that hadn't happened yet.  As I said it, I started to realize how ridiculous it was for me to be fighting something that was just normal.  The pediatrician who was a God-send when G turned one (a fill-in for our regular pediatrician who was on leave at the time) had said that children are very good at not dying and not starving.  Some days, especially as toddlers, they eat like birds, and other days they eat like ravenous beasts, but their bodies are in flux and some days, they need more food than others.  So, this evening, I tried letting it go, and letting G just eat when he wanted to eat and eat what he wanted to eat.  I realized if he wakes in the middle of the night starving, I can make him a sandwich, and we'll get back in bed, and it will all be fine because we've survived it all many, many times before.

5.  G still screeched plenty, but I was able to more calmly think about the fact that, being a few months from 3, he might be going through that emotional growing stage that is getting to be known as the Emotional 3's.  I told my husband that friends had said, "You hear plenty about the Terrible Two's, but nobody tells you about the Emotional Three's!"  Husband replied, "Well, somebody apparently told YOU about it."  My reply back, "Word's getting around!"  It totally diffused the stress from hearing Screech as I was getting him in bed for a nap.

6.  I need to let go of my stress more, and let myself be loved.  My instant reaction to stress is to clam up, lash out, retract from help, and even scorn the help that might be offered to me.  Sounds great, right?  Asking my husband for help today, going to him to talk about my being tired with G's screeching, letting him give me a hug and encourage me...it was much better than the alternative which I've been going with the past week.  I keep acting like I'm in this alone.  I didn't grow up with a good role model for how to work with a spouse; I'm still learning how to ask for help, and how to accept help that is offered without biting the hand offering it and taking the offer as an insult to my ability (or inability) to handle things.  Learning that it's okay to admit that I'm not perfect and that I do need help is taking a lot of time, but I hope that I get better at it as I continue with this challenge.

Speaking about the challenge:  I'm still working on the technical aspects of the challenge.  My husband did comment that though I'd been having a tough time, he had been seeing progress in me.  Even though I was feeling really down yesterday, and feeling like I just hadn't been able to make even a miniscule iota of progress, he said he HAD seen some progress.  I know this isn't going to happen overnight, but I need to give myself credit for continuing to try.

And hey, I made it!  Time to get ready for bed so I can have a shot at making it again tomorrow!

Day 1...take...8? Rethinking this challenge.

This challenge is MUCH harder than I expected it to be.  I fully expected needing to restart day 1 a few times, but I haven’t managed to hit a single day without yelling!  Worse, I end up yelling somewhere around breakfast time!

A few notes on the yelling:

1.  G not eating drives me crazy.  Why?  I see him not eating, and I immediately figure he’s going to end up cranky, screechy, and ill-behaved while we’re out and about.  I immediately see him breaking down in the middle of public, with me then getting angry because I know it’s all due to him not eating.  I also see him not eating and figure he’s likely getting sick again, and we just went TEN DAYS without him being sick.  I equate him being sick to us being totally stuck at home, unable to be around friends because I don’t want to get their children sick.

But here’s the thing…none of it may have even happened yet.  He just isn’t eating anything in front of him for breakfast.

Granted, a couple of days now, he is screeching at breakfast, which I chalk up to low blood sugar and needing food.  And the screeching drives me crazy, too.

2.  One day, I was barely managing not to yell when the husband walked in and commented on my increasing tone of voice and said, “Don’t lose the day!”  Unlike before, when that helped me avoid a yelling moment, this time, in the middle of my struggle to calm myself down before losing it, it ends up making me MORE irritated, and I snap at him, which, well, makes me lose the day.

3.  I’m getting seriously discouraged.  A week has gone by, and I can’t even make it ONE DAY without getting angrier than I should over something or without yelling.

Is it that I have too many triggers for yelling?  Am I under so much stress that I can’t think clearly about a situation without playing out a worst case scenario or three, which runs me through the gamut of emotions and leaves me upset about things that haven’t even happened yet?

G is now napping; instead of being happy he’s getting the rest his body seems to need, I find myself being upset and saying he’s tired because he hasn’t eaten enough today and his nutrition levels are likely all low, especially his iron (we battled anemia with him for a solid year, so I’m constantly worried his iron is low).  Instead of feeling sorry for the little guy who might be getting sick, I see it as him just barely having gotten over being sick, and now he’s going to be sick AGAIN?!  Is there no end in sight to the 2 weeks sick, 1 week better, 2 weeks sick, 1 week better cycle?  If both my husband and I were working right now, we’d be completely out of sick days for taking care of him!

But we aren’t both working.  Sick is no fun.  And maybe he’s just going through a no food phase.  But the screeching in the mornings over breakfast/brunch/lunch makes me think he NEEDS food, he’s just refusing all of it!

And we get back to….me yelling and being upset because a toddler isn’t eating.

Three days ago, I think I nearly made it through the day without yelling or getting inappropriately angry, only because I had been gone all day on a 15-mile walk to the LDS temple with the teens in our area.  But when I got home, we had friends coming over, and I was getting irritated because G didn’t want to tubby, I desperately needed a shower, he just wanted to play with mom who had been gone all day, and I got irritated because I was tired, gross, and just wanted to get me showered and him ready for bed.  However, I did NOT yell.  So, as far as yelling goes, that was ONE day I didn’t yell.

Next morning, G didn’t eat, and I lost control and yelled.

I’m re-thinking the challenge.  Maybe I should make it two days without yelling since I’m still struggling to make it to a day 2 successfully!

I also am finding it hard to blog every day.  So, I’m going back to the drawing board and I’m going to try working this out so that it’s still a challenge, but a doable challenge.  Maybe I’ll keep physical gratitude journal that I can just jot things in during the day.  I also need to figure out tools for when I start to over-think situations and paint bleak outcomes for things that haven’t happened yet.  Instead of assuming the worst, I need to find a way to lay out the various options and decide how to prepare for them, instead of deciding to arm myself emotionally for the worst.

Next time I blog, I’ll hopefully have better ideas for how to work this challenge for myself.

Day 1, Take 3

So, that no yelling thing…that’s a lot harder than I expected it to be.  I expected to need to restart, but I didn’t expect to need to restart on the 2nd day, or even the 3rd day!

The second day, I hadn’t slept very well, so I was tired, and G didn’t seem to be eating well to me, which always gets me edgy.  I didn’t yell, but I lost my cool more than I should have, and for me, that’s enough to call it a do-over day.

The third day, I wasn’t paying attention to everything and so I honestly don’t know if I made it without yelling or otherwise inappropriately losing my cool, but I’m calling today Day 1, Take 3.

So far today, things are going okay.  I’m a bit tired, but even with a 1:30am wake-up call from a crying toddler who had fallen off his bed, I haven’t yelled or lost my cool today.  I hope I can keep it up for the rest of the day!

Happy Things Today

1.  G and I went to watch trains today.  I’ve been promising this to him for a couple of weeks now, and I finally was able to make good on the promise today.  Hubby is busy doing stuff for his mom today on our last day visiting family, so it was a perfect day for getting out of his hair and staying out of his hair.  We went to a rail station, didn’t see much, and I kept feeling like I should be on the other side of the station (large station).  So I managed to find out how to make it over to the other side, and it was VERY rewarding.  We got to be between an airport (industrial area, not a typical small passenger airport) and the train station, so we both saw trains AND airplanes.  It was fantastic!  We just hung out in the back of our car, sunscreen on, bag of lunch by us, and a couple of water bottles to stay hydrated.

2.  While watching trains, a big, 5-engine trained pull up on the track nearest to us!  I was really excited about how long the train was (I love trains!), and we watched as it waited.  It seemed that the track we were closest to was the track that the trains needed to stop at on their way through, much like those truck weigh stations along the freeways.  As we waited, the conductor got out and was walking from engine to engine, probably checking that things were working well.  After the last engine, he saw us, and waved hi as he was getting off.  I barely caught it in time, then we waved hi back.  After another bit of a wait, the train was ready to leave, and the conductor pulled the train whistle for a “Peep Peep!” before he left!  That definitely made my day!

3.  As hubby was cleaning his mom’s garage, he found a toy plane for G to play with.  At nap time, G took the plane and a car to bed.  He wasn’t acting very sleepy, but I was drifting off, and I asked if he could go climb into his bed so I could have a nap.  He clambered down and got into his bed, happily playing with the plane and car.  It was just so cute.

4.  Lime curd with Dubliner cheese on crackers.

5.  Peanut butter and dark honey sandwiches.

6.  Finding a double-pack of window shades for the car on sale!

Five+ Things I’m Grateful For Today

1.  I’m grateful for this blog.  While I’m still working on making the time every day to post, I’m grateful for a place to post my thoughts, to reflect on things that have made me happy and that I’m grateful for each day.

2.  This quote from my husband:  “If you saw yourself the way I see you, you’d blush.”

3.  A husband who works hard for his family.  It was touching to hear from my sis-in-law this last week that my mother-in-law had commented that we could never move out of state because Rich is so good at helping fix this around the house when we visit.  He fixed a drawer that has been broken for awhile; he’s cleaning his parents’ garage which is mainly a storage area; he fixed up my blog so I could access it again for this challenge of mine; he takes pictures of my craft projects for me so that I can blog about them on my craft blog; he watches G so I can take a shower before heading out for the day; he puts G in bed when I need to be gone in the evenings; he works hard on his freelance work; everything he does, he just works hard at it, especially when it comes to things to be done for his family.

4.  Air conditioning and sunscreen.

5.  Our car.  I was feeling especially grateful for our XTerra today.  It’s perfect for stopping somewhere, opening the back, and chilling in the back of the car while we watch planes, trains, eat a to-go-dinner.  I was thinking about that as I was realizing that, were it not for the XTerra, we’d need some type of pop-up shelter or something to haul with us if we wanted to go see trains or planes and still stay in the shade and protected somehow.

6.  A train conductor who noticed us and made our day by waving hello and letting the train whistle along his way for us.

7.  A quilting machine so that I can quilt gifts for friends and keep practicing my quilting techniques.

8.  Sewing machines and fabric.

9.  Blankets.

10.  Naps.

Day 1

Day 1 of 30 Not Yelling

I nearly didn’t make it with the not yelling.  It was super late when we got G in bed, and he wasn’t eating too well, which always makes me frustrated.  He had been having GI issues earlier, and I was trying to get him to eat foods that would alleviate it, but he didn’t want them.  Add that to the general lack of eating today, worry that he’s getting sick again, weird rash on his skin that is spreading, and I was getting really worked up with worst case scenarios running through my mind.  Thankfully, hubby was there to give me the warning, “You’re about to lose day 1!”  My voice hit stern, but not yelling.  Barely made it.

Day 1 of 90:  Things That Made Me Happy Today

1.  Hiking with some of my in-laws, seeing awesome views from the summit of the mountain we climbed (which most would call a big hill, but we did gain well over 1250 feet in elevation).

2.  Just chilling with G in the afternoon, watching him play outside.

3.  Yummy lunch after the long hike.

4.  The hike today made me realize I’m more fit than I tend to give myself credit for; my workouts lately must be paying off because I was doing things I didn’t think I could do before!

5.  Kisses from my husband.

6.  I don’t know if this counts as a happy thing, but some of my extended in-law family got to chatting about yelling this evening.  Husband looked at me and jokingly asked if I was going to join the conversation; I just sat back a ways and listened in.  I guess, sometimes, it’s good to know I’m not the only one that ends up with misplaced anger at others when stresses get big, or when someone gets mad at you and then you end up taking that out on the next person.

7.  Fruit leathers.

8.  Fresh sweet cherries.  I LOVE fruit, and summer fruits are my absolute favorite!

9.  Seeing G play with his cousins.

10.  G is absolutely fearless in pools.  He LOVES swimming, and though his fearlessness and love of water includes a love for being submerged when he still is learning how to swim, the joy he gets from being in a pool is so amazing and fun to see!

Day 1 of 90:  Five Things I’m Grateful For Today

1.  I have a strong body.  I hiked 3.2 miles, carrying a little girl up a portion of the way, running a few portions, did pushups and situps afterwards, and then went swimming with my husband and little boy, and I didn’t feel particularly spent from any of it.  I realized today that though my weight isn’t where I want it to be, I have a healthy heart and strong body, and that matters more than the size of clothes I fit into today.

2.  My in-laws, including my siblings-in-law.  I enjoy spending time with my husband’s family.  There are many who can’t say the same for their in-law family.  I’m very blessed.

3.  My husband and little boy.  They both love me a lot, and I’m grateful for their love.  I’m also grateful for my husband’s (and his siblings’) training as swim teachers and life guards, because I rely on their expertise when it comes to G’s swimming.  I am usually terrified of G trying to swim like a big kid when he is still working on blowing bubbles in the water.  Having R around means G gets to push his limits farther than I would let him if it were just left to me.

4.  My son’s cousins.  The oldest cousin today hauled G in a wagon from the pool back to my in-laws’ home.  He was pulling the wagon around at the pool with all the wet towels and with G, and I told him he didn’t have to pull the wagon back.  He said, quite simply, “It’s okay.  I figure you pulled him all the way here.”  I responded, “No, actually R (husband) did.”  After a moment of thinking, he said back, “Well, I figure I can give the you both a little break.”  When we got back to the house, he had hung all the towels to dry, too!  His younger brother constantly plays with the littler cousins, and my niece and I had a good time together on the hike up the trail today.  G has been playing with his slightly younger cousin all week, and they have been playing so well together, we’ve all been amazed.  I’m so grateful that G is getting to know his cousins and that he enjoys spending time with them.

5.  My sister.  I was having a tough time yesterday and she immediately came to pick me up so we could chat.  She called me today to make sure I was okay still.  I’m so grateful for her friendship.

Plan of Action

I had a long talk with my husband today about my hate for my yelling and crankiness.  I look at others around me and see them not yelling or being generally cranky, even amid really, really difficult times.  While I acknowledge that just isn't how I handle life, I also know I want to find a better way to handle things so that I can show my little boy that it's possible to still treat others (especially family) kindly amid trials.

My personality is such that I focus on the negative instead of the positive.  If someone were to sit down and tell me 4 great things about myself, and one thing that could use a little work, no matter how minor that last thing might be, that will be all I focus on.  And that leads me to feeling poorly about myself, which then leads me to being grumpy, and that leads me to treating my husband and son poorly, because I'm distracted and focusing on a negative thing.  Too much energy in the negative zone.  My boys deserve better than that.

As I talked with my husband about this, we decided a few things.
1.  I'm following Orange Rhino and attempting at least 30 days without yelling.  I need to admit right now that it will likely take longer than 30 days to meet that goal.  But I want to start somewhere with changing my attitude and my behavior.  I want my child (and hopefully future children) to grow up in a home where yelling is NOT commonplace, and is not the behavior that they think is appropriate for being annoyed or frustrated.

2.  I also plan on writing on this blog once a day for at least the next 90 days.  The goal is to take time to review my day every day and write the happy things that happened that day.  I did something like this once a couple of years ago, where I made a gratitude jar, and any time I started feeling down, I wrote at least 5 things I was grateful for.

3.  That will be my third thing.  While the things that are happy every day might also be things I'm grateful for, I want to write at least 5 things every day for which I'm grateful.  So, every day, my post will contain the happy things from the day and 5 things for which I'm grateful.

4.  And last, as my husband catches me focusing on negatives in conversations we have, letting them outweigh the positives, we established a code phrase:  Princess Balls.  Random, I know, but if he says that, or any variation on that, it means I'm focusing on negatives instead of positives.

So, tomorrow's post will kick off my 90 days of happy and grateful.  And tomorrow will be day 1 of 30 days of not yelling.  Here goes!

I don't like it. It's time to change.

Life.

Life is hard sometimes.  Why is it, as we grow older, life just seems to get harder, more complicated, more demanding?  Sometimes it's work-related, sometimes it's family-related, sometimes it's totally self-inflicted.

I am the mother of a wonderful little boy who is loving, cuddly, curious, and growing daily.  I am the wife of a man who is hard working, compassionate, observant, and just plain nice.  

I, however, am too often grumpy, grouchy, annoyed, frustrated, trying to control as much of our lives as I can and yet fighting the impulse to be over-controlling.  

Lately, I find myself reflecting on my day and thinking, "That's not the person I want to be."  I yell, I get annoyed over simple things and don't treat those closest to me very well as a result, and I focus too much on the things that bug me and lose sight of the beauty in my life.  

Now, this isn't an everyday thing, but it happens a lot more often than I would like.

Then came The Orange Rhino.  This woman realized she yelled at her four boys too much, and she decided to make a change and challenged herself to 365 days of not yelling.  Here's what I love:  she's into year two, but it took her a number of re-starts to get there.

So, here's my challenge.  I want to become happier.  I want to learn to let go of the little things, embrace the good in my life, and, silly though it may sound, celebrate the reasons I have to be happy every day.